Emo post-Dont worry, I haven't died my hair black or started wearing absurd amounts of eyeliner

(Written Friday afternoon:)
So, I just got served the largest salad of my life. My "tinisima" salda arrived in a boat-shaped bowl LARGER than my head, filled with what must be an entire head of ice berg lettuce, plus spinach leaves, plus a whole tomato(diced), a whole avocado(sliced), a generous dose of palmitos(hearts of palm), and at least half an ear of corn kernels. This, combined with my all time favorite hot chocolate in Santiago, is why I come regularly to Mundo De Papel. Every tuesday, in between my "Ecology and Social Movements" and "Legal Rights of Indigenous Groups in Chile" classes, I make my way to the artsy neighborhood of Bellavista, cross the muddy sewage-filled Rio Mapocho and walk past rows of second hand book sellers and sugar-coated peanut stands. I first went to Mundo de Papel with my friend Meghan, whose guidebook recommended it. As soon as we saw the three story windows, the couches made out of cardboard, and the walls chock full of quirky Chilean childrens books and Neruda poetry, I knew this would be my study spot. Once we ordered hot chocolate(which I do everywhere, in order to compare and contrast, in my undending search for the best hot cocoa in Santiago) I was sold. It's creamy-but not too rich, chocolatey-but not in a sickeningly sweet way, and has this satisfying deep, dirt brown color.

Also, after coming here various times, I was suddendly filled with the urge to write poetry-which I have NEVER felt before. I love to read poetry, but I have never been good at or found satisfaction in writing anything remotely artistic. But, sitting in the outside patio under a gorgeous Japanese maple tree, sipping my hot cocoa, I felt compelled to express myself lyrically- and it turned out well! I mean, what came out semi-captured my internal dialogue, and at the same time was enjoyable to read later!(although it's for sure only going to be read by me...so don't even ask!)

So, I owe Mundo de Papel a lot.
But, right now, I'm in this weird melancholical(real word?) state.

Very recently, as detailed in another blog post, I became friends with some of the enviro kids at my university, and while I'm thrilled to have met them, I can't help feeling frustrated that it took me until my LAST month of school to find them! Plus, no quiero irme de Chile! Estoy feliz aquí, y tengo bastante independencia. Además, me encanta hablar en español, aunque todavía hago muchos errores cuando estoy hablando con Chilenos.

On the other hand, I miss my friends terribly. And I miss my family. And I really miss Kalamazoo as a college, as a city, and as a community. I find myself thinking about Kim's garden, Trowbridge, Sarkozi's, and renting bikes from HUB just to ride to the farmers market and stock up on Amish cookies and asparagus. When I say I miss these things, its not like if someone gave me a ticket home today I'd take it, nor are my days consumed by these feelings, its more just a quiet nostalgia that pops up every once in a while to remind me-your real home is waiting. Yea. That's another semi-unsettling thought: my "real" home. Everyday its more and more clear that my "real" home if there is such a thing, is Kalamazoo, MI. (And if Michigan had a soundtrack, a theme song, it would totally be Frontier Ruckus:

“I still dream of snarled backyards and being chased by nighttime’s discards, where my fence reddens rust and bleeds. And the curbs are haunted by the killers of memories of your back pillars where nothing wakens as it seems. All our rooms are hopefully mornings, laugh like tunes when nights are swarming, and branching feathers fan our dreams. Pitiful in sun soaked soggy, beautiful inside the muggy.”)

I think sometimes sitting alone, especially on a cloudy rainy day like today, makes me, understandably, pensive, which tends to lead to melancholy. But not always. I mean, I chanted at least 30-40 minutes today. And I am technically happy. I mean, I have fun things happening, I’m super appreciative for my life, the opp to study abroad here, the friends I’ve made, the fact that I have a life I love waiting for me at home. But sometimes its hard. I find myself constantly in between two worlds. Being in LA and missing Kalamazoo, being in Michigan and missing California, being in Santiago...you get it. Unfortunately, I tend to think about this while I'm in the middle of one experience/one world, which I feel like wastes my precious time... Airplane rides, fine, those are legit times to feel homeless. But while I’m still studying abroad, it seems so... rude? Wasteful? Ungrateful? Dumb? To be thinking about how much I’ll miss Santiago and whether or not I’ll enjoy being home. I partly blame this on my American friends, just because they keeps talking about this, but really these are pretty normal thoughts that I’m sure would surge w/ or w/o their impetus.

I know that I should just be in the moment, enjoy eating delicious food in one of my fav places and being in Chile. But its so hard to not think about the future, and the past, although I’m not one to dwell in the past much. But I just LOVE to speculate, plan, organize, ponder, dream, and fantasize, about the future. To the detriment of the present? I don’t know.